Forgive Me... Careful.Spoilers

SPOILERS FOR HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HOLLOWS!!!!!! Be careful!


Lily Evans and James Potter walked through the corridors of Hogwarts together, yet not together. James carried Lily’s books, but Lily seemed to be paying very little attention to the handsome, dark-haired quidditch player. The wizard that every girl in school wanted to call her own, yet Lily didn’t care. She was thinking of other things–things that had been troubling her for the longest time.

“Lily,” James broke the silence between them. “You look...”

“I”m fine,” she interrupted him. “I’m just worried about tomorrow’s Potions exam.” And she was. Without Severus by her side, helping her and encouraging her, she dreaded that she would never pass. She raked her hand through her thick mass of red hair. What could she do? She definitely couldn’t forgive him for what he’d said, yet she had the overwhelming urge to. Maybe she could pull him away from his Death Eater friends

“Are you sure it’s not anything else?” James asked, tearing her away from her thoughts. His eyes seemed to soften as her eyes met with them. “Because whatever’s bothering you, you can tell me.” His arm twitched as if he wanted to reach out to touch her, but he didn’t.

“It’s nothing, James,” Lily said, not able to take her eyes from his until she realized they were standing in front of the Library–their destination. “I’ve got to go in to study.” She took her books from him. “Thank you for walking me,” she said courteously.
“Lily,” said James, stepping toward her. “Ever since that first day on the Hogwarts Express, I’ve been wanting to give you something.”

She furrowed her brow. What was it that he could possibly give her? She watched his hands, as if they were about to reach under his robes for some sort of gift or note.

When her eyes returned to James’s she barely had enough time to pull her thoughts together. James’s lips were on hers, and she felt the books slide from underneath her arm, toppling to the ground with a series of loud thuds. She felt the urge to break away to retrieve them, but the kissing did not stop until James pulled away, a smile spread across his face. He kneeled down to retrieve her books.

Lily touched her fingers to her lips, where James had just had his, and she looked around to see if anyone had witnessed the kiss. Her eyes fell on a corner in the corridor where she saw a prominent nose peeking out from a mass of jet black hair. She saw Severus’s eyes look to her, and they were full of anguish. She harshed her stare on him, and James stood up.

“Here, Lily,” James said, placing her books into her hands once again. Both his glasses and his smile were askew, and he looked irresistibly charming.

Lily, looking over James’s shoulder before speaking, smiled, “James, would you like to come in with me?” She tucked her books beneath one arm, and held a hand out to James.

James, thrilled at the opportunity, seized her hand with an excited gentleness. He led her inside.

Lily, just before crossing the threshold into the library gave Severus one last look. The look said everything. She didn’t look like she wanted to shout anymore, but she looked silently broken. Severus had broken her, and now she was irreversibly turned against him and onto this Potter.

____
Severus watched Lily and the Potter-boy kiss, and his insides lurched, and he felt as if he might be sick. How dare James Potter take what was rightfully his? How dare he? His fists were clenched so tight, that his wand was in danger of breaking, and his usually sallow face was red with anger.

He lowered his face. He hadn’t meant what he’d said. It wasn’t his fault that he’d learned such words. He’d simply grown up around them, but it didn’t take back the fact that he used it, and he used it against someone he loved so dearly. He brought his eyes up once more, and he saw Lily looking at him with such a fierce look. He felt his gut wrench and his heart ache. He put his hand over his chest as if that might alleviate the pain. He felt his eyes stinging with tears that he didn’t want to come.

When Potter handed Lily her books, and took her hand, he gripped the corner of the wall tightly. He held one hand out to her, his face full of remorse and sorrow. He mouthed her name, as if beckoning her to him.

She turned her back on him, and she entered the Library.

His fist collided with the wall, and he felt his knuckles split open. Blood trickled down his hand, and he felt the tears break free from him. He lowered his head once more, and he shook gently with each silent sob.

“Awwww,” said a voice from above and behind. “Does poor Snivellus have boo-boo?”

Severus turned to see Peeves soaring around in a circle above him, much like a vulture about to swoop on its broken, dead prey.

“Snivellus has a boo-boo  Poor widdle Snivellus ” Peeves began to wail with laughter, and he spun around, holding his gut, as if it ached from his chuckling. “Or did your giiiiirlfriend leave you for someone else? Mrs. Snivellus has moved on to greener pastures, has she?”

“Be...QUIET !” Severus shouted, pointing his wand, a clear warning that he would do whatever curses he knew would work on ghosts. When Peeves obeyed and flew off, Severus wrapped his hand in the cuff of his robes, and he stormed off, his eyes still welled up with tears.

How could he have been so unbelievably careless to let that word slip from his lips? How could he have hurt the most important person in his life? She had been so influential to him. She was a friend when no one else would so much as look at him with kindness. He had ruined everything with a single word. Mudblood. The word made his heart stop for a moment, and he closed his eyes.

He reached the Slytherin tower, murmered the password, and stepped inside. He saw a few people scattered across the common room, but he simply quickened his pace to retreat to his dormitory. He dropped down onto his four-poster bed, and he opened his trunk. He looked into the lid, and he saw her face everywhere. Pictures (both muggle and wizard), and drawings, and doodles. The picture in the center was the only one that bore Severus’s face. He and Lily must have been ten. They were both smiling, their arms flung across each other’s shoulders, and he remembered the day that that particular picture had been taken.

____
“Sev,” Lily said. “Hurry up!” She was running through the muggle playground, heading toward their secret hiding place.

“Lily,” Severus panted for air, trailing behind her, still wearing his over-sized coat and dingy shirt beneath it. He caught up to her when she stopped beneath a tree. He saw that she was reaching into the hollow knot in the trunk.

She pulled out a parcel, and she shoved it in his direction. “For you!” She said with glee.

“What is it?” He asked, examining the package. He looked skeptical, but inside he was exploding with excitement. As much as he claimed to hate surprises, he was excited to open this package from Lily.

“If you open it, you’ll find out, silly!” She giggled, her emerald eyes bright with anticipation.

His lips turned from a skeptical scowl to a wide smile. He dropped down to the earth, setting the package in his lap, and he looked at the package, wanting to savor the moment before opening her gift. He tore at the brown paper, and he saw two cameras laying in his lap. “Lily?” He looked up at her. “Why are there two cameras?”

“One’s a muggle camera,” Lily said, still getting used to saying ‘muggle.’ She took a seat before him in the shade. “The other is a wizard’s camera!”

“Where did you get them?” Severus questioned, utterly shocked at what a wonderful gift he’d just received. No one had ever given him such a nice gift.

She shrugged with a smile. “Nowhere special.”

“Thank you,” Severus said, his cheeks burning red. He saw Lily coming toward him, and she wrapped her arms around him. He sat there, rigid for a minute, but he softened up. Usually boys his age thought girls were “icky,” but Lily was different. There was something in her spirit, in her eyes, in her smile, and he knew that he would spend the rest of his life loving her. He smiled, and he said again, “Thank you.”

____
Severus was holding both cameras, one in each hand, and he shook with fury. A delinquent like James Potter didn’t deserve Lily Evans. He let out a roar of anger, and he released both cameras, and they flew against the wall opposite of him. The pieces fell to the ground, and the cameras were gone. Suddenly, Severus wished he hadn’t smashed the cameras. The fact that he had done it wounded him deeply. Sure, he could repair them, but what good would it do? Repairing the cameras wouldn’t bring Lily back to him.

He would never have any chance of living the life he’d dreamed of living. There would be no Mrs. Lily Snape. There would be no children. There would be no family. There would never be any family for Severus. He pressed his face back into his palms, and he swore under his breath. “Damnit, Lily. Why can’t you see how sorry I am? Why can’t you forgive me?” He felt the tears come again, and he lay back on his bed, drawing the curtains. He was screaming inside, but his tears were silent. He would never see her smile at him again, and he knew this. “I didn’t mean to hurt you...”